Changes.

The following is an excerpt from my diary entries

She has such a beautiful mind. The kind that sparked my dreams. The kind that inspired my mind in the way only the passionate at heart could imagine.

There was someone i knew , a long time ago. I was so deeply in love with her, i couldn't think straight. The saddest thing was, i think she felt the same way.
It was all easy in the beginning. All we had to do was laugh at the same things and infatuation took care of the rest. Or was it love?
Probably. I had never felt so connected to another person. She once said that what i was doesn't matter because i was perfect for her. How glad she was to have met me. We were not sure of what we felt but it was good. We should have held on tight, to that uncertainty.
There is never one particular reason why two people are pulled apart. More than an year later, i have stopped looking for answers. I know better now. That love is not a guarantee. Like she always said. It is not enough. Not when you have rest of the world to contend with.


Loving her taught me something about myself. Something that i hoped she learnt too. That loving is never in vain. Even the momentary happiness it gave me has kept me alive and hoping for more.
Even though I'm not who i was then and maybe she's still just someone trapped in my memories. I somehow can't tell the difference between what was and what is. I just know that beneath everything she left behind, i found a dark paradise, where we were one.



Something's never change. Like that feeling you get when you haven't seen someone for sometime.
That feeling of two people starting off right where they left off. And then, somethings do change, like two people growing further apart, but also remembering the little snippets and things, the little similarities that string them together, as if nothing ever happened and nothing ever drifted them apart.


Logic tells me I shouldn't but when has logic prevailed?

Tough Choices

Sometimes we need to make choices, decisions and act on them. Actually not sometimes. We always have to do that. Because life is not about thinking as much as it is about doing. I however think that that there are 2 kinds of people in the world. People who can deliberate on matters for a certain amount of time and come to the right decision and some who just go with their instinct because they  know that over thinking will be their downfall. I recently took a split second decision and have been regretting it. However split second decisions are also the result of events that have been conspiring for a long time.
The choice i made was a tough one but i knew i had to make it. It was one made in rage, when i was not myself but that's because my mind overtook my heart and allowed me to make that choice. It was a cold, calculated and efficient decision but I regret it because once the rage died down my heart has been guilt tripping me. I try to be a mechanical and austere personality but that's not really me. Maybe that's why I am so confused. What is also troubling me is that i hurt someone who has always been close to me. But the fact was that i cannot stray from the path i have chosen for myself. I needed to rip temptation in the bud. Because this time shall not come back for us. And i realize that she may hate me for a long time. We may never have the trust we once shared. i may never get to hear something i was told to wait for. But i can live with that. For now, all i need to do is make sure that my future is not jeopardized. And yeah, i am, as you said, stuck with it. I know you don't read this blog but for what it's worth, I'm sorry. 

High School Love

What is love?

Is it the terribly transient thing that we teenagers see around us everyday? The couplets of boys and girls walking around as if they're from a world different to ours. As if they know something we can never hope to fathom. 

No. That is, in most cases just a desire to overcome an insecurity which arises due to some childhood experiences. Most of these so-called couples are only together to show the world that they are not alone like all of us and that little sense of companionship makes them fundamentally superior. The truth is that we are all alone in this period of self discovery, confusion and hormones. 

The fact of matter is we all want to be loved.  We take pains to make people like us. But we are always so confused. Heck, i'm even confused as to why I'm writing this article. Probably because writing all this down helps me to align my thoughts.
Yes. Love. As far as my opinion on love goes, it is not about being 'with' someone. It's about sharing your secrets, your ideas, your dreams, your beliefs, basically your heart and not being scared in the process. Because that person makes you feel safe. Because you trust that person. And that person understands your  views. They may not share them, but neither do they undermine them. This love may or may not involve a physical attraction but is certainly supplemented by it. It also involves to a great extent the mutual ability to engage each other minds. Should you, in your school life, find such a person, don't let them go. You'll regret it. I continue my search.
Cheers
Manan Monga